ADD - A LIFETIME CHALLENGE In my growing up years I always wondered why I felt so outside of life, looking in, rather than being a part of what was going on around me. I was extremely awkward and had problems remembering things from one day to the next. Although my grades were acceptable, I had to work harder than anyone else to acheive them. Not surprisingly, I suffered from a very low self-esteem. My high school years were a nightmare because of my lack of social skills. I never knew what to do, what to say, or how to act. Words were out of my mouth before I realized what I had said, and then I would why I was getting strange looks from everyone. Most jokes were beyond me and I never knew when someone was being serious with me or pulling my leg. I had few friends, and spent a great deal of time alone in my room reading. At least there I didn't make a fool of myself! To this day, I sometimes prefer to do things by myself because it is easier, and I don't have to worry that I will say or do something stupid. When my ADD son reached the age of eleven, I felt the need to talk with other parents in similar circumstances, and decided to form a parent support group. As time went on, I read more and more about the symptoms of ADD and could begin to see myself in nearly all of them. The one characteristic that stood out from the rest was "insatiability". Dr. Melvin Levine summed it up perfectly when he said, "these people are insatiable...they are distracted by their own appetites...constantly wanting things...they are chronically restless, a trait that becomes more severe in adolescence and adulthood...they have the sense that they are+ut into words. I seem to have problems with active working memory (not being able to hold a thought in my mind while I try to work with it) and short term memory (not being able to remember something you heard five minutes before). I am forever misplacing important items and sometimes spend hours looking for them. I have to write everything down or else I will forget it five minutes later. I also have great difficulty trying to recall certain words when I go to say something. I know what I want to say but just can't pull up the words from my memory quick enough to get it out. I have never been good at arguing or debating a subject because I can't think quick on my feet. I need time to think about it first, but don't usually get a second chance to come back and try again. I feel so foolish when I stutter and stammer when trying to talk! Most of my life I was told by people that I looked up to, "You could do better if you just tried!" or "Why can't you be more like so and so?". This has left me in almost constant need of approval and very sensitive to even the slightest criticism. Perhaps this is why I work so hard in the field of ADD, because I have finally found a place in life where I really belong. It has been rewarding to know that I can help others who share this disability. About a year and a half ago, I decided to seek out a formal diagnosis for myself at the Adult ADD Clinic at Wayne State University Center in Detroit. They suggested that I bring along a parent who could verify what I was like as a child. Both of my parents had passed away, but I brought along all my old grade cards to document possible problems as a child. The evaluation process took about four hours and consisted of a battery of tests including a depression inventory, and an ADD inventory that the team of doctors had developed. This was followed by a lengthy questionnaire called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory that helps identify other factors, besides ADD, that might be influencing your life. They look for depression, anxiety, and other problems. The next step was an interview with the psychologist. During the interview, the she focused on my perception of my childhood as well as my educational history, the problems I'd had in school, my employment history, and my family history (including other family members diagnosed with ADD, alcoholism or depression). We discussed the chronic symptoms of ADD and how I felt each one related to me. This interview was followed by an IQ test (WAIS-R). This test has several subtests that reveal your ability to concentrate, pay attention, problem solve, and handle frustration. After the testing, the doctors studied the results and made a determination. My evaluation showed an average IQ (with no particular strengths or weaknesses), and along with ADD, had mild depression, difficulty in interacting with people, discomfort in large groups, and chronic worry and anxiety. Most of this came as no surprise to me! I was told that even though I managed to hide this very well, my true feelings were just below the surface. The internist that I saw next decide to start me on a trial of Ritalin. We started out with a low dose of 5 mgs. three times a day. For the first few days I experienced a headache, queasy stomach, and some difficulty getting to sleep. The sleep problems and headache went away but the queasiness stayed on. After several attempts to raise the dose, with no benefit from the medication, I began to experience shortness of breath and a heavy feeling in my chest. When I described this feeling to the doctor, he said thatthe stimulant was making my anxiety problems worse. He then prescribed Desipramine (an antidepressant). We experimented with different doses of this medication until we settled for 100 mgs. a day (there were some side effects that I couldn't deal with on a larger dose). This has helped my depression quite a bit, but has done nothing to help me focus or be able to concentrate better at work. We will continue the "guinea pig" process until we find the right combination of drugs for me. In the meantime, one of the things that helps me the most in trying to keep organized is using an organizer, the Day Runner. I write everything down in the organizer, rather than keeping separate lists floating around that I can never put my fingers on when I need them. I used to write notes to remind myself to look at the notes that I wrote, then could never find them anyway! The organizer has a calendar for each month with spaces to write in daily. I also use the alphabetical tabs to file important information that I need to locate quickly, as well as phone numbers and addresses. I keep separate sections in the back for each organization that I am involved with so I can write things down as I think of them. I write in the daily sections anything of importance that I do that day so I can refer back if I can't remember if I did something, or when I did it! I sleep much better at night by sitting down before bed and writing down all the things I am trying to remember until tomorrow. Most of the time then I am able to relax and not worry that I will forget something overnight. This is a very handy tool for an ADD adult to keep their life better organized. I would recommend it highly. At least you aren't running around like a "crazy person" looking for those lost notes! The rest of this story (and many others like it) can be found in the book entitled "ADD, A Liftime Challenge", which I edited and published. The book is available through the ADDult Support Network, 2620 Ivy Place, Toledo, Ohio 43613 for $12.95 (includes postage) - please make checks out to Mary Jane Johnson. If you would like to comment on the article or get in touch with me you can leave a message in E-mail, the ADD Forum (75200,1463) on CompuServe or by writing the address above. Thanks! I look forward to hearing from you! ASK ABOUT THE ADULT ADD CONFERENCE IN ANN ARBOR, MI ON MAY 20-22, 1994!